Good Doctor: The Britney Spears Edition

Dr. Phil has been criticized for his involvement in trying to help Britney Spears. Maybe Dr. Phil is an opportunist or maybe he truly cares, but the better question is “Would he help?” Would he be a good doctor for Ms. Spears to visit? So I’ve decided to compile a list of noted doctors. We’ll take a look at how they would treat Britney Spears and whether they would be a Good Doctor or a Bad Doctor.

Dr. Drew Pinsky
Treatment: Bring her into Celebrity Rehab where she can detox and discuss her problems with the guy from Taxi and a couple porn stars.
Analysis: The self-described addictionologist can help wean Britney off her drink of choice – Red Bull, Vodka, and Cherry NyQuil – and get her the medical attention she needs. But more importantly, she can take a look at the has-beens in front of her and improve her self-esteem by repeating to herself, “It’s Britney, bitch.” Would this make her more likely to believe she doesn’t really have a problem comparatively? Maybe. But Dr. Drew can show Britney barely living examples of where she could be if she doesn’t get her life in order. And his experience on Loveline can help her get out of the unhealthy relationship with Adnan Ghalib.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR


Doc Brown
Treatment: Transport Britney back to the start of her career so she can live her life differently.
Analysis: Doc Brown would sit Britney down in the Delorean and take her back to the late 90s, during “Hit Me Baby One More Time,” when she was still a virgin (insert winking emoticon) She would realize that she should keep better company, live a better lifestyle, realize she can do better than JT (that may be a stretch), and determine that her talents lie solely in her delicious late 90s ass. When she realizes people will get sick of her vocals and her crazy partying, she can channel her career into more acting roles, fitness videos, and any other thing she can more accurately copy from Madonna’s body of work.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR

Dr. Laura
Treatment: Blame all Britney’s troubles on her kiss with Madonna and attempt to cure Britney of her homosexuality
Analysis: Dr. Laura’s diagnosis would not help because making Britney more heterosexual would make her more likely to pop out additional babies, and that’s only going to augment her problems because she has trouble taking care of the kids she already has. And two women kissing doesn’t necessarily make them homosexual, it makes them awesome.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR

Dr. Dre
Treatment: Try to revitalize Britney’s music career by laying down sick beats.
Analysis: Now here’s a solution! What better way to revitalize a music career than collaborating with one of the greatest producers in Hip Hop history. Also, it’s a way to get at ex-lover JT by working with Timbaland’s predecessor as the preeminent music producer. Successful music can ultimately improve Britney’s self-esteem to the point where she becomes a contributing member of society.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR

Dr. 90210
Treatment: Improve Britney’s self-image through plastic surgery.
Analysis: Sadly, Britney would not benefit from Dr. 90210’s popular procedures. Breast augmentation is unnecessary since babies and ho-hos have already started that process. And any tummy tucks or lyposuction would be undone anytime the Cheesy Gordita Crunch is available at Taco Bell. Self image is always unstable when you consume the alcohol and drugs that she reportedly ingests.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR

Dr. J
Treatment: Embarrass Britney into a more healthy lifestyle by posterizing her with thunderous yet graceful dunks
Analysis: The man who turned dunking into an art form when he transitioned from the ABA to the NBA would probably talk trash as he’s raining down slams and jams right in the Notorious B.S.’s face. While the rim-rocking display would be entertaining, it would more than likely not cure Britney of what ails her.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR

Dr. Giggles
Treatment: Torture Britney through unlicensed and often ironic use of medical equipment.
Analysis: There comes a time when drastic measures are necessary. And maybe a maniacal doctor taking revenge on the town that stoned his father to death is just the answer. Giggles’ witty pun-laden quips would get the message through Britney’s skull, most likely when he is jamming a sharp instrument through her skull.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR

Dr. Pepper
Treatment: Provide cola refreshment with the extra kick provided by its 23 flavors.
Analysis: While surely refreshing and more accredited than competitor Mr. Pibb, Dr. Pepper would only remind Britney how much she likes her sugar-filled drinks to be complemented with Everclear or other alcoholic additives. She doesn’t need that.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR

Dr. Seuss
Treatment: Provide life lessons in simple colorful rhyme schemes
Analysis: Assuming Britney knows how to read, reading this children’s literature would be helpful in telling Britney how to behave like a good person instead of a skeezle, beezle, or bum. And as a bonus, if she reads these books with her children, she could look like a good mother even when she may not be one.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR

Juris Doctor
Treatment: Instill Britney with knowledge about laws so she becomes better at not breaking them.
Analysis: The more Britney learns about the law, the more she’s apt to actually break the law. For example, if she knew there was a law against public urination we would have seen her urinate in public already. She relishes the role of bad girl. It’s not her ignorance of the law that seems to be the problem, it’s her disdain for law.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR


Doc Martens

Treatment: Give Britney a swift kick in the ass.
Analysis: Simple. Straightforward. Effective.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR

Dr. Atkins
Treatment: Improve Britney’s physical condition by prescribing a low-carb lifestyle.
Analysis:
Reducing carbs will only remove the non-alcoholic portion of Britney’s mixed drink, which will most likely make her more drunk and thus more of a problem. Also, Britney does not seem like she would stick to the regimen because of a lack of discipline and a lack of understanding of what carbohydrates are (Wait, if it’s Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, does that, like, burn the carbohydrates off, y’all?)
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR

Dr. Scholl’s
Treatment: Give Britney’s feet a rest through shoe inserts that will have her “gellin’ like Magellan”
Analysis: After years of being on the road and shooting highly choreographed music videos, maybe more comfortable shoes would help Britney relax into a more comfortable lifestyle. She could regain the precise and mildly pornographic dance moves that catapulted her to super-stardom instead of the lazy, immobile moves she displayed at last year’s VMAs.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTOR

The Spin Doctors

Treatment: Serenade her with such 90s alt-rock hits as “Two Princes” and “Little Miss Can’t Be Wrong”
Analysis: While this jam band breaks out all the hits from their multi-platinum album Pocket Full of Kryptonite, Britney might realize that her music and subsequently her life, isn’t all that bad. I mean, they had their one album and faded into oblivion, while Britney keeps churning out hits even when she’s mentally unstable. To be honest, this is probably worse for The Spin Doctors. The fact that they would reunite and the best gig they can get is at Promises trying to convince Britney not to kill herself. It’s sad.
For Britney, GOOD DOCTORS

And finally. . .
Dr. Phil
Treatment: State the obvious to Britney in a slow Southern drawl so she can understand that what she’s doing is often stupid
Analysis: While Dr. Phil speaks the same language as Britney, his recommendations will probably fall on deaf ears because Britney knows mishandling her kids and abusing substances are bad for her. She just likes doing them. Some quack repeating it slowly in simple language isn’t a deterrent. It’s annoying.
For Britney, BAD DOCTOR

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