Lost Episode of “The French Chef”

Did you know that Julia Child was a spy?  Apparently, it’s true.  So here is a sketch of a lost, early episode of “The French Chef.”  This sketch was featured in the Improv Olympic show Big News on August 17:

LOST EPISODE OF “THE FRENCH CHEF”

Over black.

BRITISH VOICE (V.O.)
And now BBC One presents an early, lost episode of The French Chef with Julia Child.

Insert TITLE CARD – THE FRENCH CHEF WITH JULIA CHILD.  Lights up on JULIA CHILD alongside GIUSEPPI, an Italian man tied to a chair.  Julia addresses the audience.

JULIA
Hello.  Welcome to The French Chef. I’m Julia Child. It’s so nice of you to join us today because we’re going to be extracting information from an Italian man I captured the other day named Giuseppi.

GIUSEPPI
I-a not telling you nothing!

JULIA
And we’re going to be doing that with the help of a Raspberry tart in a graham cracker crust.  Because they say the quickest way to sensitive information is through a man’s stomach.

Julia Child takes a tray (all action can be mimed if necessary) over to Giuseppi.

JULIA (CONT.)
These tarts were baked for an hour at four hundred degrees and topped with a dollop of sweet cream that’s just delicious.

GIUSEPPI
Had I known you were American spy, I-a would not have given you my-a mother’s recipe.

She tries to feed Giuseppi the tart, but he won’t open his mouth

JULIA
Now, Giuseppi, if I wanted to find Mussolini, where would I go?

GIUSEPPI
I-a no tell you where he is.

Julia breaks from Giuseppi to address the audience.

JULIA
It seems as though our friend is being a little more uncooperative than I would like, but that’s OK.  When that happens, I like to throw in a little bit of torture.

GIUSEPPI
What?!

JULIA
So we’re going to prepare some poison to pour directly in Giuseppi’s eyes.

Julia starts pouring things into a bowl, announcing what it is with every pour.

JULIA (CONT.)
And for that you can take a quarter cup of vinegar, five ounces of cyanide, a dash of nerve gas, and one tablespoon of brown sugar and mix it up in a large mixing bowl.

After mixing the contents, Julia picks up a pipette.

JULIA
And then after you’ve mixed everything together, you can pour the mixture into a piping bag because we’re going to pipe the poison directly into Giuseppi’s eyes.

GIUSEPPI
You crazy bitch.  I still-a no talk a you.

Julia calmly walks to Giuseppi and pipes poison in his eyes.

JULIA
The eyes are a very good place to inject poison because —

GIUSEPPI
— OWWW.  YOU BITCH! —

JULIA
Because it doesn’t incapacitate your guest.

Julia walks back to where her oven would be.

JULIA (CONT.)
And if your guest is still not cooperating –

GIUSEPPI
Never!

JULIA
I always like to use a poker that I heat up in the oven at five hundred degrees.

Julia pulls the poker out of the oven and approaches Giuseppi.

JULIA (CONT.)
Make you sure put on an oven mitt when removing the poker because it can get rather hot.

Julia waves the poker around Giuseppi’s face.

GIUSEPPI
What are you doing?

JULIA
Now I like to tease the guest by wafting the flaming hot poker near his face but not touching right away.  It builds the anticipation and the fear of what happens when I do this.

Julia touches Giuseppi’s face with the poker.

GIUSEPPI
OWWWWWWW!

Julia slowly wafts the poker down to Giuseppi’s balls.

JULIA
And then I continue to waft the poker up and down the body before I place it directly on our guest’s genitals.

GIUSEPPI
No, no, no, no, no!  Not-a the genitalia!  I-a give you Mussolini.

Julia puts down the poker.

JULIA
Well, that was fun.  Come again and join me next week on The French Chef when we’ll be making creme broulee while strangling Nazi prison guards.  Good day!

Lights out.  Title Card up.

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