Straight Talk on Birthdays

A sketch I wrote on why John McCain is announcing his vice presidential candidate on his birthday.  This is part of a series of videos and sketches I have been working on with Phillip Wilburn.  You can check them out at Funnyordie.com.  This sketch was featured in the Improv Olympic show Big News on August 24:

STRAIGHT TALK ON BIRTHDAYS

“Straight Talk” theme music and title card come up.  Spotlight up on on JOHN MCCAIN addressing the crowd.  Lights not up on the other characters, gathered around a table center stage.

JOHN
On my birthday, August Twenty-Ninth, I’m going to announce who my running mate is.  Now, people come up to me and say, “Hey John McCain, why don’t you do something cool on your birthday, like go to Chuck-E-Cheese?  Why do you have to make a big announcement that day?”  Let me give you the Straight Talk.  See, on my birthday, I’m going to get a year older, and the thing is, I’m already pretty old as it is.  I want to have a distraction because I’m getting tired of people talking about my age.  For example, let’s look at my birthday from last year.

Lights up on CINDY MCCAIN, MEGHAN MCCAIN, JACK MCCAIN, JAMES MCCAIN, BRIDGET MCCAIN and JOE LIEBERMAN around a table.  John walks over and joins them.

JOHN
Boy that was some dinner.

JACK
Only the best for you, dad.

CINDY
(on drugs)
I found the recipe on the Food Network web site.

JOHN
It’s just so nice to be joined by my family, my lovely wife Cindy, our four children.  And even though you’re adopted, Bridget, I still count you.

BRIDGET
(spiteful)
Tomar boga ze furu.

JOHN
And, of course, Joe Lieberman, who’s not part of my family, but just doesn’t know when to leave.

JOE
Thank you so much John for inviting me.  I really, really appreciate –

JOHN
You weren’t invited.

JACK
Hey, dad, open my card.

JOHN
OK, Jack.

John opens a card.

JOHN
“They say age is just a number.”
(opening card)
“Except your number is so long they just stop counting.”  Oh, cute.

JAMES
It’s cause you’re so old.

JOHN
I see.

JAMES
They can’t count that high.

JOHN
Very good, James.  Thank you, Jack.  That was quite humorous.

Meghan hands a pill bottle to John.

MEGHAN
Here you go dad.

JOHN
(reading the label)
“Gas pills for an old fart.”  Oh what is this, some Spencer’s Gifts kind of thing?

JAMES
Yeah.  It’s prescribed by Dr. Gerry Atriks.  Get it?

JOHN
I get it.

JAMES
Like geri-atrics!

JOHN
I said I get it!  Instead of a gag gift, Megan, why don’t you go out and switch parties, help your dad on the campaign trail.

MEGHAN
You can’t just switch parties.

JOE
Sure you can.  I did it and it’s real easy.

JOHN
Meghan would you rather stick to your beliefs or be famous and successful?

MEGHAN
(relenting)
I still hate you.

JAMES
Dad, dad, I got you a super awesome, cake.

Enter FIREMAN, exhausted.

FIREMAN
There were too many candles on the cake.  I couldn’t contain the blaze.

JOHN
Blaze?!

FIREMAN & JAMES
Psych!

JAMES
There totally wasn’t a fire.  It’s just a joke because you’re so old.

JOHN
(directed mainly to Fireman)
Oh yeah.  You don’t joke about that kind of stuff.  You don’t yell fire in a crowded theater.  1919, Schenck versus United States.  I’m sick of people joking about my age.  If you do it again, watch out, because I can kill a man with my thumbnail!
(out of breath, then to the crowd)
This is Straight Talk.  I’m John McCain.

JACK
Who is he talking to?

CINDY
I don’t know.  It’s probably dementia.

John chases everyone out.  Lights Out to Straight Talk music.

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