Schools Don’t Teach

A sketch with a song parody of Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” centering around Bristol Palin’s pregnancy.

SCHOOLS DON’T TEACH

Lights up on BRISTOL PALIN and SARAH PALIN.

SARAH
Oh, Bristol, you have really screwed things up for me.

BRISTOL
I know, mom.

SARAH
I could be vice president and you have to go and get knocked up.

BRISTOL
I know, mom.

SARAH
What do you have to say for yourself?

Bristol grabs a microphone.  To the tune of Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach” –

BRISTOL
(singing)
Mama, I know you’re going to be upset
Cause you’re running for vice president
And you know by now
I’m havin’ a baby.

With the one you warned me all about
The fuckin’ redneck with the slapshot.
We’re in an awful mess,
But there’s an explanation, —

SARAH
Oh really.

BRISTOL
Pleeaase.
Schools don’t teach, sex education.
Schools don’t teach, bout penetration

But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby
Or you’re gonna kill me, —

SARAH
I will

BRISTOL
Oooh, mmmm.
(next verse)
He says that he’s going to marry me.
If it’ll help you politically
Maybe we’ll be all right.
Though he doesn’t want kids

SARAH
Baby, baby you better not fuck it up.
If he makes you cry you better suck it up.
What you need right now,
Is a fall down some stairs, caauuse

SARAH & BRISTOL
Schools don’t teach, sex education.
Schools don’t teach, bout penetration

BRISTOL
But I made up my mind, I’m keeping my baby

SARAH
Or I’m gonna kill you, oooh, mmmm.

BRISTOL & SARAH
Schools don’t teach!

Lights out.

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