Like Father, Like Son

A sketch on Tom Cruise and his son Connor, who was recently cast in the remake of “Red Dawn.”  This sketch was featured in the Improv Olympic show Top Story Weekly on August 16, 2009.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON

Lights up on CONNOR, ADRIANNE, and CHRIS in a scene.  DAN the director, directs them.

DAN
Okay, guys, this was one of the pivotal scenes in the original Red Dawn.  Patrick Swayze’s character, that’s you Chris, really gets in Daryl’s face.  And Jennifer Grey’s character will come in as the sympathetic one.

ADRIANNE
I’m sorry Dan, why do you keep referring to me as Jennifer Grey’s character?  My name’s Adrianne.  My character’s name is Toni. .

DAN
It’s just my process.  Don’t take offense.

ADRIANNE
OK.

DAN
OK, let’s roll one.  Chris, you good?  Adrianne?  OK, good.  Tom Cruise’s adopted son Connor Cruise, you ready?

CONNOR
(ala Tom Cruise)
I’m ready!  Let’s do a take!

DAN
Alright, in position everyone.

Dan goes to the side of the stage.  An AC comes in with a slate.

AC
Remake of Red Dawn, 38 Apple, Take One.  Marker.

The AC hits the slate and exits.

DAN
And. . action.

CHRIS
Daryl. . where is it?  Where is it?  Goddamnit, where’s the bug?!

CONNOR
They made me swallow it!

Chris retreats in disgust.  Adrianne steps in.

ADRIANNE
Daryl, what have you done?

CONNOR
You want the truth?! You can‘t handle the truth!

ADRIANNE
Huh?

DAN
Cut.  Uh, great job Connor, but that’s not the line.  Why did you say that?

TOM CRUISE enters.

TOM
I think I can explain.

DAN
Tom Cruise?

TOM
When I heard this week that my adopted son Connor was going to be in the remake of the 1980s hit movie Red Dawn, I wanted to help.  So I told him to say the line like that.  Because that’s how you should say it.  I’ve done the research, I know!

DAN
Umm, I really appreciate your input, Mr. Cruise, but I can’t use that.  It’s a line from A Few Good Men

TOM
And that was a hit movie!  Help me, help you!  Help me, help you!

CONNOR
Dad, he’s right!  The line you told me to say is not in the movie!  I’ve done the research, I know!

TOM
No, I’ve done the research, I know!

They both laugh at each other in the Tom Cruise laugh.  Chris and Adrianne talk to Dan in private.

CHRIS
Don’t you see what he’s doing?  Tom Cruise is infiltrating this movie.  We gotta band together and stop him.  As Wolverines.

DAN
Look, Tom Cruise is a legend.  Give him some leeway, OK?

ADRIANNE
OK, but if he gets out of line, no mercy.

DAN
Got it.  Alright, let’s do take two.

TOM
You got this, son.

Everyone in position.  AC enters and Tom exits.

AC
Remake of Red Dawn, 38 Apple, Take Two.  Marker.

The AC hits the slate and exits.

DAN
And. . action.

CHRIS
Daryl. . where is it?  Where is it?  Goddamnit, where’s the bug?!

CONNOR
They made me swallow it!

Chris retreats in disgust.  Adrianne steps in.

ADRIANNE
Daryl, what have you done?

Tom Cruise busts in.

TOM
No, cut.  This is all wrong.

DAN
What’s the problem, Mr. Cruise?

TOM
I mean, this is Connor’s big scene.  He needs to be alone, center stage.  He’s the star.  I say that guy stays over there the whole time.
(moving Adrianne into place)
And Jennifer Grey’s character.  Let’s put her back here.  In the corner.

DAN
Hey!  Nobody puts Jennifer Grey’s character from Red Dawn in the corner!  Now, I respect you, but Mr. Cruise I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

CHRIS
Me too.

ADRIANNE
Yeah.

They band together.

TOM
Connor, what do you say?

CONNOR
They’re right, dad.  If I’m ever going to be a good actor, I have to be my own person.  I’m sticking with the Wolverines.

TOM
I see.  And that’s OK, I’m proud of you, son.  Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to have sex with my smokin’ hot wife, Katie Holmes, and not a dude because penises are gross.  I’ve done the research, I know!

Lights out.

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