My Insurance Company and I

A sketch regarding the notion that ObamaCare would ruin the relationship you have between you and your insurance company.  This sketch was featured in the Improv Olympic show Top Story Weekly on August 16, 2009.

MY INSURANCE COMPANY AND I

Spot on RICK as he dials the phone.  SFX: DIAL TONE.  Spot on opposite side of the stage on AUTOMATED OPERATOR as she answers with her soothing mechanical responses.

AUTOMATED OPERATOR
Welcome to the Blue Cross/Blue Shield Help Line.  We’ll be right with you.

RICK
That’s OK, I’ll wait.  I’m just glad we have this chance to chat before the Democrats pass their Socialist Health Care plan and ruin my relationship with my insurance company.  When Glenn Beck was talking about that this week, I nearly soiled myself.  Because the government doesn’t care who I am – you care.

AUTOMATED OPERATOR
Thank you.  For English, press one.  Por Espanol, après numero dos.

RICK
You know, I’ve always wanted to learn Spanish.  And it might be good because you know Edna’s cousin Sidney married a Mexican fella and —

AUTOMATED OPERATOR
For English, press one.  Por Espanol, après numero dos.

RICK
Sorry, just ol’ indecisive “me” here.  You know how I am.  English it is.

Rick presses a button on his phone.

AUTOMATED OPERATOR
If you are a member, press one. A medical provider, press two.

RICK
Member!

Rick presses a button.

RICK (CONT’D)
I even created a handshake for us!  I’ll tell you about it later.

AUTOMATED OPERATOR
Please enter your member ID now.

RICK
My ID?  It’s me, Rick Commonwealth.  Don’t you remember me?  I had an enlarged prostate that made me urinate frequently.  Well, I should say “have”; the prostate is still —

AUTOMATED OPERATOR
Just a moment, while I connect you to a Blue Cross Blue Shield Representative.

Automated Operator exits.

RICK
You DO remember me!  I didn’t even have to type in my number.  This is wonderful.

SHARISE enters, replacing the Automated Operator

SHARISE
Blue Cross, Blue Shield.  This is Sharise.  What is your name?

RICK
Hello Sharise.  Good to talk to you.  Are you doing well today?

SHARISE
I’m doing well, sir.  What is your name?

RICK
It’s Rick Commonwealth.  The other woman I spoke to remembered me.

SHARISE
(confused)
Uh, OK.  What can I help you with today, Mister Commonwealth?

RICK
I’m calling to say hello. See how you guys are doing there

SHARISE
Sir?

RICK
It’s just, I have a really special relationship with my insurance company and I don’t want Nancy Pelosi or Harry Reid throwing a wrench into that.

SHARISE
Do you have a claim, sir?

RICK
I claim that GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra was an excellent movie.  Am I right?

SHARISE
Actually no; it was terrible. I’m talking about an insurance claim. Do you have an insurance claim?

RICK
Not at the moment.

SHARISE
Sir, you can’t just call us up unless you have a problem with your insurance.

RICK
But that’s the point, I don’t have a problem with you guys.  You’re my friends.

SHARISE
Sir, we are not friends.  I do not even know you.

RICK
Well, let’s see.  My name is Rick Commonwealth.  I collect Hummel dolls. .

SHARISE
Sir, stop.  Let me break this down for you, OK?  We are a business, and if you’re healthy or, like, really sick where we’re going to have to pay a lot of money, then we don’t care about you.  But if you’re a little sick and you got a claim and you can pay part of it, then we care.  You got it?

RICK
So. . what if I broke my arm?  How about that?

SHARISE
Did you break your arm?

RICK
No, but I can.  I can do that right now.  Would you talk to me then?

SHARISE
Good bye, sir.

Sharise leaves.

RICK
I just wanted my insurance company to be my friend.  Is that too much to ask?
(thinks)
You know who would understand. . the Los Angeles Department of Water and Power.  I’m going to call them and just dish, dish, dish.

Lights out on Rick dialing.

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