Text Bomb

Here is a sketch I wrote regarding Barack Obama text messaging his choice for vice president.  It was the opening sketch to the Improv Olympic Show Big News on August 24:

TEXT BOMB

BILL, APRIL, HARRIET and CHARLIE sit around a table at a bar after a long day of work.

APRIL
Did you guys see the ad that Obama put out about John McCain’s houses?

BILL
McCain doesn’t even know how many houses he has!

CHARLIE
(trying hard to fit in)
Yeah, what a douche.  Obama’s, like, so much better.  He’s totally gonna win.

HARRIET
You said it, Charlie.

CHARLIE
I’m so into Obama.  I’ve been following him since he was in the Illinois State Senate.  That guy’s awesome.

BILL
You’re preachin’ to the choir.

VIBRATING SOUND.  Bill, April, and Harriet check their phones and get text messages. Charlie does not.

HARRIET
Hey, it’s Obama’s text about his VP.

Charlie blanches.

BILL
I had a feeling Obama was picking him.

APRIL
(noticing Charlie didn’t get a text)
Hey, Charlie, did you get the text from Obama?

CHARLIE
Uh, yeah, sure I got it.

Charlie pulls out his cell phone and checks.  Very fakely. . .

CHARLIE (CONT.)
Oh, here.  “OMG.”  “Smiley face.”  He sure knows how to text.

HARRIET
Obama didn’t write “OMG”?

Everyone has caught on.

BILL
Who did he say was his VP?

CHARLIE
I mean, you guys got the text too, right?

HARRIET
Tell us.

CHARLIE
You know.  That guy. . .the, uh, the white guy. . with the, the experience?

APRIL
Who?

CHARLIE
Uhhhh, Michael Dukakis?

All up in arms.

BILL
Joe Biden!  It’s Joe Biden.

HARRIET
Charlie, I thought you were for Obama?

CHARLIE
What? I like Obama.
(timidly singing “Obama Girl” song)
I got a crush on Obama

Co-workers not buying it.

CHARLIE (CONT.)
I just couldn’t give him any money.  I have cats, they’re expensive.

APRIL
You didn’t need to donate money to get the text message.  You just had to register on Obama’s web site.

BILL
Yeah, he was just building his e-mail list for his supporters.  A real supporter would know that.

Charlie can’t take it anymore.

CHARLIE
All right! I’m not voting for Obama! You guys were so into Obama, I just wanted to fit in.  I’m sorry.

Short beat to let it sink in.

HARRIET
It’s OK.  You don’t have to support Obama.

APRIL
But if you’re not for Obama, who are you for?

RALPH NADER enters and approaches Charlie.

RALPH
Hello.

BILL
Ralph Nader?

RALPH
Hey Charlie, instead of texting my campaign contributors who I’m going to choose as my running mate, I’ve decided it’s easier to come and talk to all of you in person.  All seven of you.  The truth is, it doesn’t matter that Matt Gonzalez is my running mate because I’m not going to win.  Thank you for your contribution and for wasting your vote on me.

Nader leaves.

HARRIET
Nader?!!  Get him!

The co-workers attack Charlie.  Lights out.